Standing Up For Yourself Can Suck

Yeah, it really can.

Hypothetically, you should ALWAYS stand up for yourself, especially if someone is pushing you around or blaming you for something that's not your fault. You shouldn't have to take other people's B.S. Of course, there are situations where it's better to keep your mouth shut. I.e. when the other person is being completely irrational and isn't really mad at you, but is taking it out on you because you're close with him/her and he/she has no other outlet for said anger.

I recently stood up for myself. Two days in a row. And was completely walked all over in both situations, which were completely different.

Situation Uno (are you thrown off by the Spanish? Don't worry, I don't speak it): Being honest about my fees as a private teacher

For those of you who don't know, one of the many odd jobs musicians do is teach privately. I do this. I studied for seven years to teach what I know, and I paid thousands (perhaps more than 100,000) of dollars to know what I know. So I'm going to charge you for my services. I recently inherited a student from a friend of mine who moved away. This friend is a WONDERFUL and generous person, and was doing this woman and her granddaughter a favor by charging an extremely low fee. When I first spoke with this woman (we'll call her Granny), she told me what she'd been paying and asked if I could do the same. I told her that I had a masters degree AND an education degree and that my fee was much higher than that. She said, well, I'm the grandma and I'm paying for this instead of her mother and that's all I can afford. I said, fine. For now.

Cut to: me, pulling up to an amazing house on an expensive street to see Granny's Mercedes parked out front. ARE YOU FOR REAL LADY?

I taught the lesson, and I was amazing and the student loved me. Of course, because I'm awesome. We set up a time for the following week. The following week, Granny calls me an hour before the lesson to say that her granddaughter is cancelling because she wants to go to the pool. Ok. FIRST OF ALL, RULE OF THUMB: Going to the pool is an unacceptable reason to cancel an appointment one hour beforehand. You should at least lie to me, out of respect. I would much rather you told me that she had the bubonic plague. I'm reserving this time for you, saying no to other jobs and other students so you can have this lesson time. When you cancel like that, I lose money. I was so angry that I couldn't even speak to Granny. She asked me to reschedule and I told her that I could not (even though I could - I'm trying to set an example) and that I had to go.

Granny calls me up two days later, leaving a message, to apologize again for cancelling and tells me that she will need to cancel again for the next two weeks. At this point, I was very upset. I really enjoyed working with this student, but again, I'm reserving time for her and losing money if she doesn't have a lesson. I called Granny back once I could breathe normally. The following conversation ensued:

Me - Hi, Granny. I got your message. I just wanted to let you know what my normal policy is. Normally, you will pay me for the entire month of lessons at the beginning of the month. If you cancel within less than 24 hours, I will not make up the lesson and I will keep your money. There are, of course, exceptions to this, such as illness, but going to the pool is not an acceptable reason for a cancelling a lesson.

Granny - I understand that, of course. It was just a really hot day.

Me - Yes, I know, and these things come up, but I'm telling you for future reference that I would not be obligated to make up the lesson and you would still owe me for my time.

Granny - Ok, well, again, it was really hot outside.

Me - ...Yes. But, I have four other jobs and this is the one day I keep open for private students. I'm keeping this time open for your granddaughter.

Granny - Right. Anyway, I will need to cancel for the next two weeks because we have a lot going on and I would like to start up again afterward.

Me - Ok. I should let you know that I can no longer continue to teach your granddaughter for [insert extremely low fee] per hour. I understand that you are on a budget, so I can either charge you a little more for 45 minutes or a little less for 30 minutes.

Granny - Well, your friend was doing us a favor by charging [EXTREMELY LOW FEE].

Me - I understand, which is why I'm offering you these two similar prices. I have a master's degree, and my friend was still in school while charging you that amount.

Granny - Well, no, she also had a master's degree but she was doing me a favor.

Me - Actually, she and I were in the same class and graduated on the same day. She didn't have a master's degree.

Granny - Well, she was doing me a favor.

Me - I realize that, which is why I'm offering you a slightly higher and slightly lower price that is within my fees.

Granny - Well, I will call you once we've freed up our schedule.

I don't expect to hear from her again. And, I stood up for myself, in a completely acceptable and respectful way, and she still tried to make me feel guilty for being honest about my fees. I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR A LONG TIME TO DO WHAT I DO. YOU ARE PAYING ME FOR MY KNOWLEDGE. Some people will never understand. You wouldn't hire a plumber and say, I'm only willing to pay you this much money. The plumber would leave! IT'S THE SAME. I'm running a business, not a charity. Kthxbai.

Situation Deux (oh no I switched to French! You're impressed): Correcting someone who doesn't have her story straight

I recently started a new job. My new workplace has four, FOUR, different managers. One manager told me that I would work this week on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night. The second manager then told me that this was incorrect, and that I was actually working Tuesday all day, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning, and Saturday morning. Well, because I was given a schedule ahead of time, I made plans to leave town and do some auditions. When I explained this to her, she said, "Well, that's not a very good way to start a new job, now is it?"

I replied, "Yes, you're right, I agree with you. However, I made these plans AFTER I was given the schedule that we are not following."

She said, "Well, you will need to get dates you're unavailable to me ahead of time, by one week, in writing. You can't just tell me that you can't work after I've made the schedule."

I said, "Yes, I understand that and I will absolutely do that in the future. However, I was told that this was my schedule and this is the first time I'm hearing differently."

She said, "Fine."

She proceeded to schedule me over the weekend anyway.

Though I had two awful experiences with standing up for myself two days in a row, I encourage you to CONTINUE to stand up for yourself when someone is pushing you around or has false information. Don't swallow your pride because someone else is afraid to lose face.