Waiting: The Passive-Aggressive Diner

Not only am I a musician, I am also a WAITRESS. Wait, what? Musicians do that? Actors do that? WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN? That being said, I'm starting a new series on this blog. Waiting: Stories from the Food Service Industry.

Let me preface by saying: I enjoy waiting on tables. There are many worse things I could do for money (clean toilets, solicit sex, be a politican - HA! sorry no more political jokes), and waiting on tables is not that difficult, for me, and can bring in a lot of money if you're in the right place. For every negative story I have about a customer, I probably have 100 positive stories, or at least neutral stories. Not every single customer is awful. Trust me.

Today's chapter - The Passive Aggressive Diner.

Last night I waited on a larger party around 8:30pm - prime dining time. Prime dining time means that there are a lot of people in the restaurant, everyone gets really busy, all of the food orders are sent to the kitchen at the same time, and things generally start to fall apart. And for me, I start to sweat. Literally, sweat. It's gross.

Anyway, large party, prime dining time, lots going on. I went over to my table, got them all beverages and explained the specials, took their order, everything was fine. I was polite, they were polite. The lady at the end of the table, the area where I could best serve everyone, ordered mussels for an appetizer. When I came back to check on everyone, she turned to her friend and said,

"There are more SHELLS in this dish than there are mussels!"

Ok - there are several things wrong with this.

1. For every shell that is in the dish, there is a mussel. It MAY be lost in the broth, but it's in there. We're not going to garnish your appetizer with shells. And, keep in mind, every mussel has a full shell, which implies two individual sides. So, if you're speaking from that point of view, then yes, you are correct. The ratio of individual shells to mussels would be 2:1.

2. You are not actually complaining to me. You are complaining to your friend, just loud enough for me to overhear you. What is that? If you have a problem with something, TELL ME DIRECTLY.

I checked back later to clear appetizer plates and refill drinks. At this point in time, she turns to the same friend and says,

"This bread is really bad for you. The olive oil is better for you than the bread."

Ok. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? Do you want me to take the bread away? Do you want me to find you some gluten-free bread or perhaps some vegetables to dip in olive oil? I don't understand what the purpose of this passive-aggressive complaint is. I can't help you with that. Yes, it is a known fact that bread is not the healthiest thing to eat all day long. However, you are not REQUIRED to eat the bread. It is there for you if you want it, like a good neighbor. Just because you have a neighbor doesn't mean you have to eat them. Wait...no. I mean you don't have to ask them for a favor or speak to them. Right. Analogies.

And again, I have to reiterate that you're not actually making a complaint TO ME, the server. You are complaining in a way that is not direct. Indirect. To your friend. About something that is just SITTING THERE. Fine, don't eat it. I will not be offended and I will throw it away. But don't complain about the nutritional cons of bread.

Later, I brought out their meal. I asked, "Can I get you anything else before you begin?" The response, from the whole table including her, was "No, thank you."

I checked back two minutes later to make sure that everything was alright - people had what they needed, food was cooked correctly, does anyone need a beverage, etc. No complaints.

I came back again after a few more minutes to refill water glasses. I walked by the whole table, looking to make sure that everyone had what they needed.

At the end of the meal, I began to clear plates. Her plate still had half of her meal on it. I asked, "Would you like me to box this for you?"

She said, "No. This is much too overdone. And I really needed a steak knife to eat it. But it was still very good."

If you could look inside my brain, you would see a million tiny explosions happening.

OKAY LADY. IT'S NOT LIKE I DROPPED OFF YOUR FOOD AND WENT ACROSS THE STREET TO GET A BEER. I was present, at your table, by your side, FOUR TIMES. That means that you had FOUR OPPORTUNITIES to tell me that something was overdone or ask for something that you needed. I even ASKED YOU if you needed anything. I looked you in the eye and said, "Can I get you anything else right now?" AND YOU SAID NO!

I am not a mind-reader. I don't know that you have a problem unless you tell me that you have a problem. It would be COMPLETELY different if I did not do my job and ASK YOU. Or if I disappeared. But that was not the case.

At this point, I had two options. I could tell a manager that this woman had an issue with her meal, or I could just let it go. There were many instances where this woman could have asked me for what she needed or DIRECTLY complained about something in a way that I could fix it. She also didn't ACTUALLY complain about anything, just made passive-aggressive statements about things.

I chose to let it go.

And luckily, she did not take care of the bill.

So, my friends, please learn from this lesson: If you are out to eat and have a problem with something, TELL someone, DIRECTLY, in a timely manner so that they may fix it for you. Servers are more than happy to correct something so that you have a better experience at the restaurant and want to come back. That has been the mission statement of every single restaurant I have worked in, in so many words.

DON'T BECOME A STORY ON A BLOG.