Auditioning Crushes Souls

This is not new information - the process of auditioning can truly squash any passion you may have once had for your craft and hinder any hope you may have of ever becoming successful at anything. By auditioning for anything, you are setting yourself up for doubt, insecurity, and general unhappiness. And yet, I (and clearly everyone else who shows up to audition) continue to put myself through this awful process.

This post is inspired by the following email correspondence:

Dear [person in charge of my fate],

I am writing to check on the status of my audition, which was on [such and such a date THREE WEEKS AGO]. I was worried that I may have missed something in email form. The emails I provided were this address and [my profesh email address] (on my resume and conflict form).

My name is [ZAN!] and I auditioned for the role of [a part that a million other people likely auditioned for].

Thank you and best wishes,

[ZAN!]

No more than twenty minutes later, I received this response:

Dear [ZAN!],

You should have received an email from us several weeks ago.

Unfortunately, you were not cast.

Sorry,

[Douche Nozzle McDreamcrusher]

THANK YOU SO MUCH. Thank you for not getting back to me and then acting like you did. Oh, are you new to email, Zan? Clearly you must be because you didn't get this email that I never sent you. Not cool, D.N. McDC. NOT COOL.

Friends, let me walk you through the audition process:

1. Spend an hour a day reading audition postings on a website you pay to subscribe to. Filter through hundreds of postings, many with age limits, to find something that is a) in your general vicinity and b) has a role available that you could sing. Keep in mind, many places will say that certain roles are already cast, and those are usually any soprano roles (I'm a soprano).

2. Find a possible gig. Complete the application. Send them your headshot and resume and an audition fee. Audition fee may be anywhere from $10 to over $100, depending on the program. In some cases, you must be GRANTED an audition after submitting your money and a pre-screening recording. Sometimes you are NOT granted the audition, and you lose the money you gave them.

3. Schedule your audition. See if there is an accompanist fee (yes, they will provide the accompanist but you may have to pay them on top of your audition fee). Request off of work. Find transportation.

4. Do the audition. Go to a location where there is no space for you to warm up, sit in a small room with 50 other girls singing the same repertoire as you, and wait for them to call your name. Go in, hope the accompanist knows your rep, go through tempos. Introduce yourself, say what you're singing, and try to hit that high note at the end. SOMETIMES, they will ask you to just sing the high note at the end. That's always super-pleasant.

5. Feel good (sometimes) about your energy and your singing. Think to yourself, "I gave it my all and I sang my best. If they don't like it, they must be looking for something else!"

6. Begin to doubt everything about #5.

7. Wait to hear back. This could be days, it could be months. It varies depending on the program. Sometimes, if you don't hear for a while, it's a good thing. It means you've made it through another round of cuts. Sometimes, it just means that they're saving all of the rejects for one day. Sometimes, like in the case stated above, they are just inconsiderate and don't let you know what's going on.

8. 99% of the time, get rejected. Feel like shit for 20 minutes. Question your self-worth and why you wasted your time getting a degree in something as intangible as classical voice. Quietly sob in the bathroom of your workplace or whatever awful public place you happen to be in when you check your email. Consider quitting all together.

9. Start all over again at #1.

The above checklist does not include: hours devoted to practicing, money spent on headshots/coachings/accompanists/lessons, the comparisons you make between yourself and your friends or frenemies who are getting things, or the time spent toiling away at a job you hate so you have money to audition in the first place.

The following is advice I've gotten from people over the years, all of them people I trust:

-"You definitely won't get in/get the part if you don't audition."

-"Everyone goes through a time of rejection after rejection, then everything will start to click."

-"You don't know who else auditioned, maybe it was the next Renee Fleming!"

-"You could be the best chocolate ice cream there is, but if the director likes strawberry, they won't pick you."

-"You just have to keep going."

BUT HOW LONG DO YOU KEEP GOING? When is there a point where you say to yourself, "Okay, I gave this a shot, and clearly it's not what I'm supposed to do." When do you cut your losses and find something else to do with yourself? I am not saying any of this because I've done anywhere close to enough auditions to consider giving up, but is the self-hatred worth the possibility of being cast in something in the future? I only do this because I truly enjoy it, but what if the process actually kills my happiness?

That being said, I just came from a GREAT audition, minus the dance portion, and I feel good. But again, WHO KNOWS. I felt great about every audition I did this year, and nothing came of anything. The only positive thing is that I learned how to audition without losing my cool and ruining my day. I've learned to do it like a job. I guess I just have to go through the motions without expectation, until my cool exterior is broken and I am merely a shell of my former self without any passion for life.

Waiting: The Passive-Aggressive Diner

Not only am I a musician, I am also a WAITRESS. Wait, what? Musicians do that? Actors do that? WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN? That being said, I'm starting a new series on this blog. Waiting: Stories from the Food Service Industry.

Let me preface by saying: I enjoy waiting on tables. There are many worse things I could do for money (clean toilets, solicit sex, be a politican - HA! sorry no more political jokes), and waiting on tables is not that difficult, for me, and can bring in a lot of money if you're in the right place. For every negative story I have about a customer, I probably have 100 positive stories, or at least neutral stories. Not every single customer is awful. Trust me.

Today's chapter - The Passive Aggressive Diner.

Last night I waited on a larger party around 8:30pm - prime dining time. Prime dining time means that there are a lot of people in the restaurant, everyone gets really busy, all of the food orders are sent to the kitchen at the same time, and things generally start to fall apart. And for me, I start to sweat. Literally, sweat. It's gross.

Anyway, large party, prime dining time, lots going on. I went over to my table, got them all beverages and explained the specials, took their order, everything was fine. I was polite, they were polite. The lady at the end of the table, the area where I could best serve everyone, ordered mussels for an appetizer. When I came back to check on everyone, she turned to her friend and said,

"There are more SHELLS in this dish than there are mussels!"

Ok - there are several things wrong with this.

1. For every shell that is in the dish, there is a mussel. It MAY be lost in the broth, but it's in there. We're not going to garnish your appetizer with shells. And, keep in mind, every mussel has a full shell, which implies two individual sides. So, if you're speaking from that point of view, then yes, you are correct. The ratio of individual shells to mussels would be 2:1.

2. You are not actually complaining to me. You are complaining to your friend, just loud enough for me to overhear you. What is that? If you have a problem with something, TELL ME DIRECTLY.

I checked back later to clear appetizer plates and refill drinks. At this point in time, she turns to the same friend and says,

"This bread is really bad for you. The olive oil is better for you than the bread."

Ok. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? Do you want me to take the bread away? Do you want me to find you some gluten-free bread or perhaps some vegetables to dip in olive oil? I don't understand what the purpose of this passive-aggressive complaint is. I can't help you with that. Yes, it is a known fact that bread is not the healthiest thing to eat all day long. However, you are not REQUIRED to eat the bread. It is there for you if you want it, like a good neighbor. Just because you have a neighbor doesn't mean you have to eat them. Wait...no. I mean you don't have to ask them for a favor or speak to them. Right. Analogies.

And again, I have to reiterate that you're not actually making a complaint TO ME, the server. You are complaining in a way that is not direct. Indirect. To your friend. About something that is just SITTING THERE. Fine, don't eat it. I will not be offended and I will throw it away. But don't complain about the nutritional cons of bread.

Later, I brought out their meal. I asked, "Can I get you anything else before you begin?" The response, from the whole table including her, was "No, thank you."

I checked back two minutes later to make sure that everything was alright - people had what they needed, food was cooked correctly, does anyone need a beverage, etc. No complaints.

I came back again after a few more minutes to refill water glasses. I walked by the whole table, looking to make sure that everyone had what they needed.

At the end of the meal, I began to clear plates. Her plate still had half of her meal on it. I asked, "Would you like me to box this for you?"

She said, "No. This is much too overdone. And I really needed a steak knife to eat it. But it was still very good."

If you could look inside my brain, you would see a million tiny explosions happening.

OKAY LADY. IT'S NOT LIKE I DROPPED OFF YOUR FOOD AND WENT ACROSS THE STREET TO GET A BEER. I was present, at your table, by your side, FOUR TIMES. That means that you had FOUR OPPORTUNITIES to tell me that something was overdone or ask for something that you needed. I even ASKED YOU if you needed anything. I looked you in the eye and said, "Can I get you anything else right now?" AND YOU SAID NO!

I am not a mind-reader. I don't know that you have a problem unless you tell me that you have a problem. It would be COMPLETELY different if I did not do my job and ASK YOU. Or if I disappeared. But that was not the case.

At this point, I had two options. I could tell a manager that this woman had an issue with her meal, or I could just let it go. There were many instances where this woman could have asked me for what she needed or DIRECTLY complained about something in a way that I could fix it. She also didn't ACTUALLY complain about anything, just made passive-aggressive statements about things.

I chose to let it go.

And luckily, she did not take care of the bill.

So, my friends, please learn from this lesson: If you are out to eat and have a problem with something, TELL someone, DIRECTLY, in a timely manner so that they may fix it for you. Servers are more than happy to correct something so that you have a better experience at the restaurant and want to come back. That has been the mission statement of every single restaurant I have worked in, in so many words.

DON'T BECOME A STORY ON A BLOG.

Standing Up For Yourself Can Suck

Yeah, it really can.

Hypothetically, you should ALWAYS stand up for yourself, especially if someone is pushing you around or blaming you for something that's not your fault. You shouldn't have to take other people's B.S. Of course, there are situations where it's better to keep your mouth shut. I.e. when the other person is being completely irrational and isn't really mad at you, but is taking it out on you because you're close with him/her and he/she has no other outlet for said anger.

I recently stood up for myself. Two days in a row. And was completely walked all over in both situations, which were completely different.

Situation Uno (are you thrown off by the Spanish? Don't worry, I don't speak it): Being honest about my fees as a private teacher

For those of you who don't know, one of the many odd jobs musicians do is teach privately. I do this. I studied for seven years to teach what I know, and I paid thousands (perhaps more than 100,000) of dollars to know what I know. So I'm going to charge you for my services. I recently inherited a student from a friend of mine who moved away. This friend is a WONDERFUL and generous person, and was doing this woman and her granddaughter a favor by charging an extremely low fee. When I first spoke with this woman (we'll call her Granny), she told me what she'd been paying and asked if I could do the same. I told her that I had a masters degree AND an education degree and that my fee was much higher than that. She said, well, I'm the grandma and I'm paying for this instead of her mother and that's all I can afford. I said, fine. For now.

Cut to: me, pulling up to an amazing house on an expensive street to see Granny's Mercedes parked out front. ARE YOU FOR REAL LADY?

I taught the lesson, and I was amazing and the student loved me. Of course, because I'm awesome. We set up a time for the following week. The following week, Granny calls me an hour before the lesson to say that her granddaughter is cancelling because she wants to go to the pool. Ok. FIRST OF ALL, RULE OF THUMB: Going to the pool is an unacceptable reason to cancel an appointment one hour beforehand. You should at least lie to me, out of respect. I would much rather you told me that she had the bubonic plague. I'm reserving this time for you, saying no to other jobs and other students so you can have this lesson time. When you cancel like that, I lose money. I was so angry that I couldn't even speak to Granny. She asked me to reschedule and I told her that I could not (even though I could - I'm trying to set an example) and that I had to go.

Granny calls me up two days later, leaving a message, to apologize again for cancelling and tells me that she will need to cancel again for the next two weeks. At this point, I was very upset. I really enjoyed working with this student, but again, I'm reserving time for her and losing money if she doesn't have a lesson. I called Granny back once I could breathe normally. The following conversation ensued:

Me - Hi, Granny. I got your message. I just wanted to let you know what my normal policy is. Normally, you will pay me for the entire month of lessons at the beginning of the month. If you cancel within less than 24 hours, I will not make up the lesson and I will keep your money. There are, of course, exceptions to this, such as illness, but going to the pool is not an acceptable reason for a cancelling a lesson.

Granny - I understand that, of course. It was just a really hot day.

Me - Yes, I know, and these things come up, but I'm telling you for future reference that I would not be obligated to make up the lesson and you would still owe me for my time.

Granny - Ok, well, again, it was really hot outside.

Me - ...Yes. But, I have four other jobs and this is the one day I keep open for private students. I'm keeping this time open for your granddaughter.

Granny - Right. Anyway, I will need to cancel for the next two weeks because we have a lot going on and I would like to start up again afterward.

Me - Ok. I should let you know that I can no longer continue to teach your granddaughter for [insert extremely low fee] per hour. I understand that you are on a budget, so I can either charge you a little more for 45 minutes or a little less for 30 minutes.

Granny - Well, your friend was doing us a favor by charging [EXTREMELY LOW FEE].

Me - I understand, which is why I'm offering you these two similar prices. I have a master's degree, and my friend was still in school while charging you that amount.

Granny - Well, no, she also had a master's degree but she was doing me a favor.

Me - Actually, she and I were in the same class and graduated on the same day. She didn't have a master's degree.

Granny - Well, she was doing me a favor.

Me - I realize that, which is why I'm offering you a slightly higher and slightly lower price that is within my fees.

Granny - Well, I will call you once we've freed up our schedule.

I don't expect to hear from her again. And, I stood up for myself, in a completely acceptable and respectful way, and she still tried to make me feel guilty for being honest about my fees. I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR A LONG TIME TO DO WHAT I DO. YOU ARE PAYING ME FOR MY KNOWLEDGE. Some people will never understand. You wouldn't hire a plumber and say, I'm only willing to pay you this much money. The plumber would leave! IT'S THE SAME. I'm running a business, not a charity. Kthxbai.

Situation Deux (oh no I switched to French! You're impressed): Correcting someone who doesn't have her story straight

I recently started a new job. My new workplace has four, FOUR, different managers. One manager told me that I would work this week on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night. The second manager then told me that this was incorrect, and that I was actually working Tuesday all day, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning, and Saturday morning. Well, because I was given a schedule ahead of time, I made plans to leave town and do some auditions. When I explained this to her, she said, "Well, that's not a very good way to start a new job, now is it?"

I replied, "Yes, you're right, I agree with you. However, I made these plans AFTER I was given the schedule that we are not following."

She said, "Well, you will need to get dates you're unavailable to me ahead of time, by one week, in writing. You can't just tell me that you can't work after I've made the schedule."

I said, "Yes, I understand that and I will absolutely do that in the future. However, I was told that this was my schedule and this is the first time I'm hearing differently."

She said, "Fine."

She proceeded to schedule me over the weekend anyway.

Though I had two awful experiences with standing up for myself two days in a row, I encourage you to CONTINUE to stand up for yourself when someone is pushing you around or has false information. Don't swallow your pride because someone else is afraid to lose face.

The Great New Jersey Cart Debacle

I have never before seen a phenomenon quite so intriguing as this. And I saw the movie Phenomenon starring John Travolta.

There seems to be a state-wide pact that all New Jersey shoppers will never put their shopping carts back in the cart corral (I don't know what the word is...the thing where you put your cart! From henceforth, it shall be known as the cart corral), no matter how CLOSE their car is to said corral. I'm not sure if this is due to temporary blindness, extreme emergency situations that pop up just as they're finished putting groceries or goods into their cars, or just complete self-absorption and pure laziness.

My guess is the latter.

CASE STUDY A

The person who puts their cart IN BETWEEN the cars or right in front of their car so that it blocks the parking spot for all who may wish to park there in the future. What is the purpose of this? Not only do you risk damaging MANY OTHER PEOPLE'S VEHICLES, you risk damaging your own. Are you really SO LAZY that you feel you would rather have a scratched front bumper than walk 10 feet to put your cart back? The cart is empty, it's not like you're pushing a cart full of watermelons or baby elephants uphill in sweltering heat to return your cart.

CASE STUDY B

The person who pushes their cart up OVER THE CURB so that it's half on the parking lot and half on the grass/tree area that is supposed to make the parking lot look friendly. It looks as though people were drag-racing shopping carts and someone wrecked into the curb and was out for the count. This is both extremely weird and completely senseless. Really? You're going to make the effort to lift the front end of your cart up about six inches to set it on a curb, but you're unwilling to push it on LEVEL GROUND another five feet to put it where it belongs? It's not as if you have to push the cart through rings of fire to put it back.

CASE STUDY C

Though I have personally never seen this, fellow New Jersey-ians (?) have told me that this happens. The person who puts their cart DIRECTLY BEHIND the vehicle parked next to them. Now, the cart is a) in the way of other drivers driving through the parking lot and b) is keeping another person from exiting the parking lot. A person who MAY be conscientious enough to put their own cart away must now also dispose of yours? UNbelievable. Do you have a vendetta against the driver parked next to you? Are you really SO ENTITLED that you think another shopper should put your cart away? Do you think there's a cart fairy who comes along dealing with other people's carts? (Ok - wait - there is a cart fairy. He/she may not be an actual fairy but technically it is their job to retrieve carts and put them back in front of the store. But they're supposed to retrieve them FROM THE CART CORRAL.)

And finally, my favorite...

CASE STUDY D

The person who is parked RIGHT F-ING NEXT TO THE CART CORRAL WHO CAN'T PUT THEIR CART IN THE PROPER PLACE. I can't even go into detail. It's self-explanatory. And completely maddening. When I see this happen, a vein bursts in my skull. I have a seizure. I punch a baby. A baby who may grow up to become Case Study D. (Ok, no, I don't really punch a baby.)

In conclusion, I ask you - The State of New Jersey - to get your shit together and put your carts back where they belong. Save the rest of us burst-skull-veins, aggravation, and potential vehicle damage by becoming an ADULT and being responsible for YOUR OWN SHIT. The minute you push that cart into the store, it becomes your SOLE DUTY to put it back where you found it or in an equally acceptable depository, I.E. THE CART CORRAL.

UPDATE: PROOF

REALLY? Really. It's. Right. THERE.

I have to go, my eyes are bleeding.

Awkward: Almost dropping something

Though my life is filled with awkward moments, often resulting from saying something inappropriate, one of the more awkward things in life is looking spastic or clumsy.

When does this happen? Plenty of times. Dancing. Walking up stairs. Walking down stairs. Handling babies. But today, I'd like to focus on the times when you ALMOST drop something or actually drop it.

This is a Catch-22: You always look like an idiot.

If I ALMOST drop something, I usually end up doing some weird dance move that could be intentional but is most likely the result of poor coordination. For example, the other day I almost dropped my phone. I was carrying too many things and it was resting on the top of a pile of papers and books, nestled in the crook of my arm. As I walked, I felt the pile slipping and sensed imminent disaster should my phone shatter into a million pieces on the ground. So, I awkwardly: bent slightly at the waist, pulled the phone-holding arm in even closer to my body, and leaned to the right. Basically, it looked like my appendix has just burst, I felt a wave of diarrhea coming on, or that I had a hernia. The only upside to this whole situation is that I did NOT drop my phone. But from far away I looked disturbed.

If I DO drop something, it's a lose-lose. Sure, I don't do some ridiculous-looking move to save my drop victim, but I still drop it. And it's usually something awesome falling into something awful, like the rest of an ice cream cone into sand or an important document into mud.

Where is the middle ground? Can I ever look like a superhero by saving something from falling? Or can I at least look like I've been in this body for more than two minutes? That's all I'm asking for. Just a little dignity.

Welcome!

Hello - and thank you for joining me on Feminine Variant.

First of all, let me explain the title of this blog. Though it conjures up images of feminist slants or possibly lesbian tendencies, that is not what this blog is about. Though I am a feminist. But I'm heterosexual. That's just me. The title a) sounds awesome - you get the Fuh sound and the Mm and Nn, and then round it all out with a Vuh, Ruh, and end it with a T!; b) my name is the "feminine variant" of a man's name. Which makes me...AWESOME.

My blog will be a compilation of stories, rants, and maybe some advice. Who knows what may happen. So, it's basically like any other blog.

Who am I? I'm a mid-twenties, post-graduate study classical musician living on the East coast. But I'm not actually ON the coast. More inland than that. New York City adjacent. By at least an hour. So not really New York City adjacent. It's the first time I've really been out of school in...my...whole life? So this will be an adventure in building a future and maintaining sanity, trying not to lose focus, and staying true to myself.

Thanks for reading!

-Zan